None of Your F--cking Business, That's What...

Last week my friend Jessi was visiting from Canada. So, being the good host that I am, I of course forced  her to come along on my Burlesque Costume Excursions. Deep into Outer South East we ventured, making our way to the elusive Joann's Fabrics. I had crafted a set of pasties and I needed to cover them with some pretty fabric. I found some I liked and proceeded to get in the line for fabric cutting. When my number was called I handed my fabric to a 50ish man with a ponytail. Out of all the little old ladies cutting fabric, he was the only man. I only actually needed about six inches worth of fabric, but figured a yard would give me room to make a few prototypes. And you never know when some extra fabric will come in handy in a costume. Just one yard of fabric and then I was out the door. But no, I had to get the nosy guy.

Me: One yard please.

Him: Just one yard? What are you making?

What went through my head at this point went something like this: What did he say? Did he just ask what I was making? Why? Crap. I can't say "pasties". Uhh. Uhhh. Say something! Anything!

Jessi told me later that I looked like a deer in the headlights. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, making frantic "hurry up" gestures. Now normally I'm pretty quick on the draw. A witty comment, a lie, something should have rolled right off my tongue. Not this time, however. This time, what came out of my mouth was....."A hat?"

FAIL!!! Wow, that was lame. What was even better was, according to Jessi, I also made the accompanying "i don't know" shrug. So clearly, I was lying. And badly. As we exited the store, the hilarity of that exchange hit us. Doubled over with laughter, all we can say is "A HAT!" Really, a hat? That's the best I could do? Of course a list of more probable, or a least, funnier ideas came to mind almost instantly.

1. A jaunty cape for my cat, Mr. Oliver Angus McWhiskers.

2. A satin tea cozy.

3. A replica of Scarlett's green dress from Gone With the Wind...for Barbie.

4. None of your fucking business, that's what.

Yeah, that would have been great....

The Pastie Files

I can't believe tonight is the final night of class. It's down to the (under)wire now people. Tonight we present our ideas for our routines. Music, dance, costume-whatever we have in the works. I feel ready to get my ideas out there. I've got my music picked out and a rough estimate of how my routine is gonna go.  Entrance....no idea....take off gloves.....no idea........take off skirt.....no idea.....take off corset.....no idea....BIG FINISH! Maybe I should insert jazz hands in there somewhere. Or not.

 I have some of my costume done, but the majority still needs work. I do have a really cool corset though. It makes my waist super tiny. Or course that's after someone exerts about 1,000 lbs of pressure on the lacings! Suck it in! (foot up on the back) Pull! I bought if off of ebay of all places, cheap from Hong Kong. The seller actually sent me two by accident, and not wanting to fuck up my karma I wrote her to tell her that. The email I received in return was priceless. "Thank you for your honest. Since you already get it, how about I sell you cheap? Five dollars?" Uh, thank you, but no. I then told her I would be happy to send it back, but I wasn't paying shipping costs. The reply-"Oh, shipping cost too much. You keep, give to your friend. Give me good rating." Awww, she thinks I have friends.

So at the beginning of this class, I had a moment of total insanity excitement and bought three corsets which resulted in a temporary ban from ebay by Chris. But my question is, why do all corsets come with a generically sized, matching G-string? Do people wear them? I'm sure as hell not going to. They are not flattering. But if you buy enough corsets, what do you do with them? Weave them in to a sail for a boat? Some kind of net? Or maybe we should start a G-string drive for strippers who can't afford them.

The other thing I need to get is pasties. Kind of an important part of the costume if that's all that's between the audience and my naughty bits. I never knew how many types there were. It's like a pastie wonderland out there! Hearts, flowers, stars, aces, skulls (yes, skull pasties) oh my! The best thing I saw-black pasties with FLASHING red hearts hanging off of them. Oh, yeah. From a company called Elegant Moments. Ohhh, yeah. And in the "Customers who bought this product also bought"-A Live Butterfly Garden? Really? Pasties and butterflies? Whatever.

I also FINALLY mastered putting on false eyelashes. Waaaaay harder than it looks. I've been struggling with that for weeks, but a great tip about using tweezers to place them has paid off. Thanks Miss B! As long as I don't poke myself in the eye. Thanks corneal abrasion! When I actually got them on straight for the first time I let out a cry of triumph and ran into the living room.

Me: I'm a woman now!

Chris: You weren't before?

Me: Look at my eyes!

Chris: They're magical.

Me: AHHHHHH!

Needless to say, it was a powerful moment.

So now it's time to put it all together. We have our last class, then two weeks off before the big graduation show. Stay tuned....