I always assumed I would survive the apocalypse. Barreling down a deserted high way, hair streaming, shotgun strapped to my back. Taking down zombies or the occasional roving band of criminals that may or may not want to eat someone. Part of a hard-core band of survivors living on scavenged food and camping gear. Fuck yeah. Then I saw The Road. And now I have to kill myself. I don't mean right now or anything, but when the apocalypse hits, I'm Audi 5000 bitches. Who wants to survive that!? I can deal with zombies or a plague wiping out most of the population. I'm prepared. Now, they don't ever actually say what happened to royally screw the world in The Road, but it looks nuclear to me. Everything covered in ash, no sun, all plant and animal life extinct. Yeah, sounds about right. So again, WHO WANTS TO SURVIVE THIS SHIT! If it's sunny and warm and you know, the earth still works, I can see surviving the other post-apocalyptic hazards. But add in nuclear winter and I just hope I'm close enough to the bomb to be vaporized instantly. Of course when I verbalize this....
Me: I don't think I want to survive the apocalypse. If this shit happens you're going to have to kill me.
Chris: What are you talking about? Look who you're with! We would survive.
Me: I'm not saying we wouldn't. I'm saying I DON'T WANT TO. Seriously, who wants to live like that?! All that ash? My contact are fucked. And what happens if I lose my glasses? Then I'm all Omega Man, except I'm being chased by cannibals. Yeah. Good times.
Chris: So I have to shoot you?
Me: Well hopefully I die quick and painlessly before it comes to that, but yeah, you might have to shoot me.
Chris: That would be really hard.
Me: But not impossible.
Chris: No, not impossible.
Me: What the hell? It would be HARD, but NOT impossible?! Like, kind of a minor inconvenience. It should TOTALLY be impossible for you to shoot me! I can't believe you could shoot me. Thanks.
Chris: You ASKED me to! It was YOUR IDEA.
Me: Still though, you agreed pretty quickly.
Chris: Can I shoot you now?
*this conversation may be slightly exaggerated* *MAY BE*
Then Chris went on to say something about how some people just aren't cut out for true survival. How it's just not in some people to be survivors. Whoa, hold up. Was that a challenge? Well crap, now I HAVE to survive.
Checklist for Survival re: Apocalypse
1. Get Lasik
2. Stock up on shoes (score!), clothes and moisturizer
3. Learn to spot cannibals (I think they have a club logo or something)
4. Develop stone-cold intimidation stare
5. Cardio, cardio, cardio (if they can't catch you, they can't eat you!)
Personally, I'm still holding out for zombies....
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Thoughts on Twilight: Or, how I almost lost an eye...
I've been procrastinating hard core about writing this Twilight post. Probably because I don't want to fully admit that I participated in the Twilight cult gang mass hysteria craze. Not that I'm a "Twilighter", as they like to be called (or as Chris calls them, Twitards). It's no Harry Potter is all I'm sayin'. But I read all the books and I was totes entertained. Mixed feelings still abound, though. Seriously, the writing? Meh. Not so good. Obvious plot lines and cliches that make even bad sitcom writers cringe. I'm (painfully) reminded of my thirteen year-old self writing in my diary. Everything is THE WORST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Bella and Edward have A LOVE THAT BURNS BRIGHTER THAN A THOUSAND SUNS ON FIRE WITH THE LIGHT OF A MILLION CANDLES. Excuse me, *gag*. And we have to address the feminist issue. Bella is possibly the worst heroine FAIL in modern literature. She can't even walk without assistance. I'm surprised she survived long enough to meet Edward, much less survive through all four books! There isn't even a Bella without Edward. Everything revolves around him. Not to mention the whole not-having-sex-before-marriage thing. Puh-leeze. And can you whine a little more, Bella? No? That's because it's not possible to whine more than that. It made me feel distinctly, oh, what's the word? Face-stabby.
Then we have the movies. I wasn't going to watch the first one. But a combination of being sick, bored and home alone.... I blame On Demand TV and cold meds. The overacting was painful. Kristen Stewart apparently went to the Biting-Your-Lip-For-All-Dramatic-Moments School of Acting. And Robert Pattison just came off like a creepy stalker. I'm pretty sure in one scene you could see him stealing her underwear. And I swear to all that is good an holy, if he sparkled ONE MORE TIME I was going to stab my eyes out. The second movie was better. Still ridiculous, but better. I kept laughing at moments where I don't think they were really going for humor, but there it was. I thought at one point a combo mob of 40 year-old women and tween girls were going to burn me in effigy. At least I would have had an ally in the guy behind me who continually moaned, "This sucks sooooo bad!" throughout the movie. I've always been a Team Jacob girl, and after seeing New Moon I'm even more in that camp. Of course, it doesn't really matter, because we all know that Bella and Edward end up together. But I can wish.
For all my bitching, I'm looking forward to Eclipse coming out. I thought the third and fourth books were the best of the bunch and I figure the movies can only improve (right, right?). In the meantime, here's a video that answers the always pressing question, What do you do when your boyfriend is a vampire and it's that time of the month? Check it out.
Then we have the movies. I wasn't going to watch the first one. But a combination of being sick, bored and home alone.... I blame On Demand TV and cold meds. The overacting was painful. Kristen Stewart apparently went to the Biting-Your-Lip-For-All-Dramatic-Moments School of Acting. And Robert Pattison just came off like a creepy stalker. I'm pretty sure in one scene you could see him stealing her underwear. And I swear to all that is good an holy, if he sparkled ONE MORE TIME I was going to stab my eyes out. The second movie was better. Still ridiculous, but better. I kept laughing at moments where I don't think they were really going for humor, but there it was. I thought at one point a combo mob of 40 year-old women and tween girls were going to burn me in effigy. At least I would have had an ally in the guy behind me who continually moaned, "This sucks sooooo bad!" throughout the movie. I've always been a Team Jacob girl, and after seeing New Moon I'm even more in that camp. Of course, it doesn't really matter, because we all know that Bella and Edward end up together. But I can wish.
For all my bitching, I'm looking forward to Eclipse coming out. I thought the third and fourth books were the best of the bunch and I figure the movies can only improve (right, right?). In the meantime, here's a video that answers the always pressing question, What do you do when your boyfriend is a vampire and it's that time of the month? Check it out.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Top 10 of 2009
2009 is over, and I for one say good riddance. It's not that it was an awful year, but I'm not sorry to see it go. Strangely, I feel really good about 2010. I don't normally feel so optimistic about a new year, but for whatever reason, I'm really looking forward to this year.
2009 did have it's moments though. Here are my top 10....
Best Food
The Taco Supreme from La Taqueria in San Fransico. A soft tortilla spread with refried beans cradles a homemade crispy taco shell stuffed with carnitas, guacamole, cheese, salsa, sour cream, onion and cilantro. And I mean stuffed. This taco is the size of a toddler's head. It may not be the best thing I ate in 2009, but it was the only one I decided to take a picture of.
Best Drunken Night
Tascosa High School's Ten Year Reunion. That's right, we went to our high school reunion. Let's be clear. In high school I played no sports. I joined no clubs. I in no way participated. And I liked it that way. Fucking joiners, screw them! So it was a bit of a surprise to find myself strangely excited about going to the reunion. Maybe it was wanting to re-connect with the past. Maybe I was eager to shed some of my past judgement about certain people. Maybe I wanted to embrace the idea of what high school meant and how it shaped the person I am today. Or maybe I just wanted to get wasted and tell everyone how I work at an abortion clinic and how I never liked them anyway....
It was actually a lot of fun. There were people I re-connected with that I'm glad I did. There were also people that hadn't changed at all. Also, I totally got to see who got fat....
Best Web Find
2009 was the year I started blogging. A huge part of that decision was because of these two sites.
The Bloggess is simply the funniest, craziest, most bestest blog EVER. My dream is that Jenny, the bloggess, will find my blog and like it so much she will invite me to Houston to have drinks and narcotic med with her. Then we will attend the annual Blogher blogging conference and be invited to the Sparklecorn Party by the writers of my next daily blogcrack addiction, the good people of mamapop.
Mamapop is technically a pop-culture blog for parents. But it's the best kind of "for parents" because the writers are profane, foul-mouthed and never talk about their children. Witty banter, celebrity trashing and general awesomeness abound.
Best Sports Moment
When Florida lost to Alabama in the SEC championship game.
The Florida quarterback, Tim Tebow, is known for being super-religious. He goes as far as displaying different Bible verses on his face every game. So Florida lost, and Tebow is on the sidelines crying. Full on crying in front of all the cameras. Chris is screaming, "Where's your JESUS NOW TEBOW?"
Best. Sports. Moment. EVER.
Best Concert
In 2009 I finally was able to see one of my all time favorite bands. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This was HUGE for me. I was like a middle aged woman at a Twilight convention. Could not be controlled. To top it off, they played my all time favorite song as the closer. Karen O, you rock my world.
Best Hike
I don't miss much about Texas. The rampant homophobia, the constant 90 mile an hour winds, the right-wing born-again craziness. All these things I can do without. But I do miss Palo Duro Canyon. The Lighthouse Trail is dusty, hot, and long; but, oh so worth it.
Best Trip
Mother-Daughter trip to NYC. Walking until we couldn't walk any more. Hotdogs, pizza, Korean BBQ. Broadway show. Bright lights, big city!
Ok, that's not actually ten things. More like seven. What can I say, I'm a lazy blogger. Also, my computer seems to be on the verge of complete failure and then where would we be? No blog at all, that's where.
Oh, one more best of 2009.
It's OVER!
2009 did have it's moments though. Here are my top 10....
Best Food
The Taco Supreme from La Taqueria in San Fransico. A soft tortilla spread with refried beans cradles a homemade crispy taco shell stuffed with carnitas, guacamole, cheese, salsa, sour cream, onion and cilantro. And I mean stuffed. This taco is the size of a toddler's head. It may not be the best thing I ate in 2009, but it was the only one I decided to take a picture of.
Tascosa High School's Ten Year Reunion. That's right, we went to our high school reunion. Let's be clear. In high school I played no sports. I joined no clubs. I in no way participated. And I liked it that way. Fucking joiners, screw them! So it was a bit of a surprise to find myself strangely excited about going to the reunion. Maybe it was wanting to re-connect with the past. Maybe I was eager to shed some of my past judgement about certain people. Maybe I wanted to embrace the idea of what high school meant and how it shaped the person I am today. Or maybe I just wanted to get wasted and tell everyone how I work at an abortion clinic and how I never liked them anyway....
It was actually a lot of fun. There were people I re-connected with that I'm glad I did. There were also people that hadn't changed at all. Also, I totally got to see who got fat....
Best Web Find
2009 was the year I started blogging. A huge part of that decision was because of these two sites.
The Bloggess is simply the funniest, craziest, most bestest blog EVER. My dream is that Jenny, the bloggess, will find my blog and like it so much she will invite me to Houston to have drinks and narcotic med with her. Then we will attend the annual Blogher blogging conference and be invited to the Sparklecorn Party by the writers of my next daily blogcrack addiction, the good people of mamapop.
Mamapop is technically a pop-culture blog for parents. But it's the best kind of "for parents" because the writers are profane, foul-mouthed and never talk about their children. Witty banter, celebrity trashing and general awesomeness abound.
Best Sports Moment
When Florida lost to Alabama in the SEC championship game.
The Florida quarterback, Tim Tebow, is known for being super-religious. He goes as far as displaying different Bible verses on his face every game. So Florida lost, and Tebow is on the sidelines crying. Full on crying in front of all the cameras. Chris is screaming, "Where's your JESUS NOW TEBOW?"
Best. Sports. Moment. EVER.
Best Concert
In 2009 I finally was able to see one of my all time favorite bands. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. This was HUGE for me. I was like a middle aged woman at a Twilight convention. Could not be controlled. To top it off, they played my all time favorite song as the closer. Karen O, you rock my world.
Best Hike
I don't miss much about Texas. The rampant homophobia, the constant 90 mile an hour winds, the right-wing born-again craziness. All these things I can do without. But I do miss Palo Duro Canyon. The Lighthouse Trail is dusty, hot, and long; but, oh so worth it.
Best Trip
Mother-Daughter trip to NYC. Walking until we couldn't walk any more. Hotdogs, pizza, Korean BBQ. Broadway show. Bright lights, big city!
Ok, that's not actually ten things. More like seven. What can I say, I'm a lazy blogger. Also, my computer seems to be on the verge of complete failure and then where would we be? No blog at all, that's where.
Oh, one more best of 2009.
It's OVER!
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