I always assumed I would survive the apocalypse. Barreling down a deserted high way, hair streaming, shotgun strapped to my back. Taking down zombies or the occasional roving band of criminals that may or may not want to eat someone. Part of a hard-core band of survivors living on scavenged food and camping gear. Fuck yeah. Then I saw The Road. And now I have to kill myself. I don't mean right now or anything, but when the apocalypse hits, I'm Audi 5000 bitches. Who wants to survive that!? I can deal with zombies or a plague wiping out most of the population. I'm prepared. Now, they don't ever actually say what happened to royally screw the world in The Road, but it looks nuclear to me. Everything covered in ash, no sun, all plant and animal life extinct. Yeah, sounds about right. So again, WHO WANTS TO SURVIVE THIS SHIT! If it's sunny and warm and you know, the earth still works, I can see surviving the other post-apocalyptic hazards. But add in nuclear winter and I just hope I'm close enough to the bomb to be vaporized instantly. Of course when I verbalize this....
Me: I don't think I want to survive the apocalypse. If this shit happens you're going to have to kill me.
Chris: What are you talking about? Look who you're with! We would survive.
Me: I'm not saying we wouldn't. I'm saying I DON'T WANT TO. Seriously, who wants to live like that?! All that ash? My contact are fucked. And what happens if I lose my glasses? Then I'm all Omega Man, except I'm being chased by cannibals. Yeah. Good times.
Chris: So I have to shoot you?
Me: Well hopefully I die quick and painlessly before it comes to that, but yeah, you might have to shoot me.
Chris: That would be really hard.
Me: But not impossible.
Chris: No, not impossible.
Me: What the hell? It would be HARD, but NOT impossible?! Like, kind of a minor inconvenience. It should TOTALLY be impossible for you to shoot me! I can't believe you could shoot me. Thanks.
Chris: You ASKED me to! It was YOUR IDEA.
Me: Still though, you agreed pretty quickly.
Chris: Can I shoot you now?
*this conversation may be slightly exaggerated* *MAY BE*
Then Chris went on to say something about how some people just aren't cut out for true survival. How it's just not in some people to be survivors. Whoa, hold up. Was that a challenge? Well crap, now I HAVE to survive.
Checklist for Survival re: Apocalypse
1. Get Lasik
2. Stock up on shoes (score!), clothes and moisturizer
3. Learn to spot cannibals (I think they have a club logo or something)
4. Develop stone-cold intimidation stare
5. Cardio, cardio, cardio (if they can't catch you, they can't eat you!)
Personally, I'm still holding out for zombies....