Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thoughts on Twilight: Or, how I almost lost an eye...

I've been procrastinating hard core about writing this Twilight post. Probably because I don't want to fully admit that I participated in the Twilight cult gang mass hysteria craze. Not that I'm a "Twilighter", as they like to be called (or as Chris calls them, Twitards). It's no Harry Potter is all I'm sayin'. But I read all the books and I was totes entertained. Mixed feelings still abound, though. Seriously, the writing? Meh. Not so good. Obvious plot lines and cliches that make even bad sitcom writers cringe. I'm (painfully) reminded of my thirteen year-old self writing in my diary. Everything is THE WORST THING EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Bella and Edward have A LOVE THAT BURNS BRIGHTER THAN A THOUSAND SUNS ON FIRE WITH THE LIGHT OF A MILLION CANDLES. Excuse me, *gag*.  And we have to address the feminist issue. Bella is possibly the worst heroine FAIL in modern literature. She can't even walk without assistance. I'm surprised she survived long enough to meet Edward, much less survive through all four books! There isn't even a Bella without Edward. Everything revolves around him. Not to mention the whole not-having-sex-before-marriage thing. Puh-leeze. And can you whine a little more, Bella? No? That's because it's not possible to whine more than that. It made me feel distinctly, oh, what's the word? Face-stabby.

Then we have the movies. I wasn't going to watch the first one. But a combination of being sick, bored and home alone.... I blame On Demand TV and cold meds. The overacting was painful. Kristen Stewart apparently went to the Biting-Your-Lip-For-All-Dramatic-Moments School of Acting. And Robert Pattison just came off like a creepy stalker. I'm pretty sure in one scene you could see him stealing her underwear. And I swear to all that is good an holy, if he sparkled ONE MORE TIME I was going to stab my eyes out. The second movie was better. Still ridiculous, but better. I kept laughing at moments where I don't think they were really going for humor, but there it was. I thought at one point a combo mob of 40 year-old women and tween girls were going to burn me in effigy. At least I would have had an ally in the guy behind me who continually moaned, "This sucks sooooo bad!" throughout the movie. I've always been a Team Jacob girl, and after seeing New Moon I'm even more in that camp. Of course, it doesn't really matter, because we all know that Bella and Edward end up together. But I can wish.

For all my bitching, I'm looking forward to Eclipse coming out. I thought the third and fourth books were the best of the bunch and I figure the movies can only improve (right, right?). In the meantime, here's a video that answers the always pressing question, What do you do when your boyfriend is a vampire and it's that time of the month? Check it out.

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