Picture, if you will, an innocent night out. An unfamiliar location. A GPS, gone....MAD! This is the chilling true story of The GPS That Tried to Kill Them. Or tried to kill two people. That were we. Or us. Crap, now I've forgotten both which person I'm writing in and proper grammar, apparently. Great. Hey, I went to public school when George W. Bush was governor of Texas. It's a fucking miracle I can write or speak at all. Anyway....
After a rousing night of watching hot chicks in fishnets try to kill each other (i.e Roller Derby), we were on our way to a bar for a couple of drinks. I guess I should have specified that the hot chick were on skates. That would have made the "i.e. Roller Derby" more obvious. As it's written I could have been talking about Foxy Boxing. Which also would have been awesome. But I digress, as I am wont to do...(this one time...No!) So we're in Sellwood. Which is not an area I'm that familiar with. So we take out our trusty GPS and plug in the address. We're driving along, chatting, having some laughs when I realize that we have followed the GPS into a, shall we say deserted, area. By a river. Near some woods. What next? Is the GPS going to tell us to get out of the car? Maybe walk a little further into the woods? It will make us feel safe and comfortable. Maybe offer us a drink, ask how the family is. Then accuse us of squealing to the Feds! No, no we'll protest! You've got the wrong guy (and girl)! It was Jimmy the Snitch that talked, I swear!
GPS: Make a right in 25 feet.
Me: Where? Into the woods? Ok, whatever...
GPS: Exit the car. Take GPS receiver with you.
Me: Wow. This better be a great bar. I don't even see a parking lot.
(walking through woods. dark, dark woods.)
GPS: Did you really think you could get away with it?
Me: What? Huh?
GPS: You shoulda known better than to rat on me!
Me: Well shit. I knew we shouldn't have bought this from that mobster. Fell of the back of a truck my ass! This is why you get a warranty!
Of course the GPS didn't really kill us. We got to it first....